Hello Dolly
Why Do Women Cheat?
Apr 9th
If it wasn’t apparent from the headlines, infidelity is on the rise. But not just among men. In recent years, infidelity has risen among women, too. With dating moving online and social networks that make it easy to kindle a forbidden love, cheating (and getting away with it) is easier than ever. According to Noel Biderman, founder of the “discreet affair” site AshleyMadison.com, his site’s largest competitor is not another married dating service, but Facebook.
But we all know how people cheat. The real question is what drives women to cheat? We asked cheaters, a therapists who work with cheaters, and the founder of the No. 1 website for cheating spouses to give us their insights into why women cheat and the top ways to drive your girlfriend to cheat.
Why Do Women Cheat? No. 1: You give her a reason to retaliate
“There are many socioeconomic changes that have made many women the bread winners in their relationships. I am thinking of one patient in particular who was financially supporting her partner. As her frustration with his lack of ambition grew, she took it out passive-aggressively by cheating on him. With women, I think there is a common thread in most cases that is different than most men. women cheat in retaliation to something.”
– Alisa Ruby Bash, marriage and family therapist
Why Do Women Cheat? No. 2: Being are a bad lover
“I married too young. My husband was my first lover, so at around 30, I decided to have other experiences. In retrospect, it was partly because my husband was not such a great lover. In part, it was to gain personal liberation, take charge of my life, and not be hemmed in by someone else’s rules. OK, everyone else’s rules. But I do not feel guilty about it. It was not done to hurt him. It was all about me. Sounds trite, I know, but that’s the way it was. I had a series of lovers for about 15 years, and then got tired of the whole thing. But, given that I had married so young, I’m really glad I did it. This way, I do not feel cheated, compared to other women who slept around and then got married. I just did it in reverse.”
– Barb, 60
Why do women cheat? No. 3: You withhold love
“I think Old Ben Franklin summed it up best when he said, ‘Where there’s marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.’ Also, the song According to You by Orianthi sums it up well. Generally, I felt stupid, incompetent, etc. most of the time. He was rather controlling and critical. I then happened across someone (I was not looking at all) who made me feel like myself again. As the song says, “everything is opposite, I don’t feel like stoppin’ it. Baby, tell me what I got to lose. He’s into me for everything I’m not … according to you.’”
– Jamie, 40
Why do women cheat? No. 4: You stop being intimate
“For most women it comes down to being an object of desire — at one time they were wooed and wanted, so much so that a commitment of monogamy was made to one another — but now they find themselves virtually alone within their own relationship. Gone are the days of thoughtful compliments, being brought flowers and generally being paid attention to, and so really anyone finding themselves in that situation is going to encounter an almost biological drive to change their circumstance and, ultimately, stray. Digital ‘cheating’ options are wide and varied — from ashleymadison.com to facebook.com — and for some a cyber affair may be all that they need to re-validate that they are still desirable. However, for the majority of women who have found their lives devoid of intimacy, a physical affair — sex, perhaps with someone younger — is a lure they just cannot resist. In the end women need sex and intimacy in much the same manner that their male counterparts do and thus they too cheat!”
– AshleyMadison.com founder Noel Biderman
Why do women cheat? No. 5: You stop wooing her
“Right now my relationship is really a marriage of convenience. We’re only together for practical reasons like the mortgage. I seek out other men and other relationships because I need that daily validation, that intimacy that comes from dating and from being made to feel special. … My other relationships are about intimacy and friendship rather than just another roll in the hay.”
– Dawn, 51
I Can’t Stand My 10-year-old Daughter
Apr 3rd
Hello Dolly,
I can’t stand my 10-year-old daughter. I was an 18-year-old single mother when she was born. I find her ugly and annoying. Everyone tells me how “sweet” and “pretty” she is, but I can’t see it. I dread when she comes home from school. I am not physically abusive to her — I would never do that. But I can be verbally abusive, and I know I need to stop. She just makes me so mad.
I am now married with two more kids (boys), and I adore them. What’s wrong with me? How can I fix this? I’m afraid it’s too late. I have no spiritual adviser to talk to, and I can’t afford to speak to a professional counselor.
The circumstances of your daughter’s birth were very different from those of your sons. When you look at her, you might be reminded of a chapter in your life you would prefer to forget. How sad for both of you.
The way you treat her, particularly in relation to her half-brothers, will affect the way she perceives herself for the rest of her life. People whose parents treat them as unlovable often regard themselves as not “measuring up,” and it can cause self-esteem problems that last a lifetime.
Ordinarily, I would encourage you to seek low-cost therapy through your county department of mental health for the sake of both you and your daughter. If that isn’t possible, then I advise you to hold your tongue, control your temper and compel yourself to show your daughter approval and affection every day until it becomes a habit or she’s old enough to leave — whichever comes first.
Loved at Home?
Mar 26th
Hello Dolly,
Our 9-year-old daughter is the picture of sweetness and light when she visits other homes, but at home constantly screams, “Everybody in this family hates me!”
We tell her every day how much she is loved, she has her own room, plenty of toys etc. What’s the best way to help her?
Kayla, Austell,Georgia
Dear Kayla,
As wonderful as it is to tell your daughter that she’s loved and provide her with her own room and lots of toys, children feel loved when they know that they are cherished and appreciated for who they are.
Whatever words or material comforts you offer your daughter cannot convey the sense of connection with you that helps her know she is cherished. Feeling loved is intangible, fueled by a child’s sense that who they are — as is — lights up our hearts.
When was the last time you invited your daughter to go for a walk or play a game of UNO, just the two of you? How often do you tell her how much you love the way she tells a joke, or how you adore the tinkly sound of her laugh? Parents can get so caught up in the endless tasks of parenting that they forget how badly their children long to be seen and enjoyed by those most important to them.
I’m not surprised to hear that your girl is sweet and happy at other people’s homes. Kids are almost always on their best behavior when they’re not on their familiar turf. When she’s at home, her defenses are down, which is why she reveals her unhappy side to you.
After spending a bit of good time together, ask her to describe what goes on when words like, “Everybody hates me!” come out of her mouth. Don’t try to convince her that she’s wrong, or prove that her unpleasant behavior makes it hard to be nice to her; just listen with warmth and empathy.
If you can hang in there, she’ll eventually reveal the heart of the issue, whether it’s difficulties at school, frustration about sharing your attention with her siblings, or an insecurity that her personality isn’t as easygoing as the other members of the family. By truly listening to her and fortifying your connection, you’ll give your daughter the precious gift of knowing without question how much she is loved.
Does He Love Me?
Mar 24th
Hello Dolly,
I’ve got two question:
1- I wanna know if you go out with a man and the man always getting jealous for every little things, Do you think that man really loves me or not?
2 – Do you think a man who really loves you would be taking two to three weeks not talking to you?
Kathy, Douglasville,Ga
Dear Kathy,
To answer your first question, if a man gets jealous about things that you do, he doesn’t love you. He loves himself. You see, if a man loves you, he’ll do anything to make you happy. If he loves himself, then YOU have to make him happy. That’s how love works. When you truly love someone, you will sacrifice anything and everything for that person. As preacher would say, “Jesus Christ sacrificed his life because he loved you.“ That’s love.
As for your second question, if a man ain’t talking to you in two weeks, no way does he love you. If you love someone you’ll do just about anything to be with them, talk to them, kiss them, etc. You get the picture. No way does this dude love you.
Unfaithful Implications
Feb 22nd
Hello Dolly:
My husband and I have been married six years and have two wonderful children. Lately, my mother-in-law has made several comments in front of family members suggesting that one of our kids bears no resemblance to my husband — implying that I have been unfaithful.
At first, I took it as a joke. Now I’m wondering if she really believes it. My husband isn’t concerned, but I wonder if I should set her straight. What would you suggest? — NO LAUGHING MATTER
DEAR No Laughing Matter:
I would suggest you set your mother-in-law straight. To say that her remarks are tasteless is an understatement. Either she has a warped sense of humor or she has been watching too many soap operas. Talk with her privately and, if necessary, offer to have both your children DNA-tested to prove their “authenticity.” That may be the only way to stop her snide remarks once and for all.
Why Do We Celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Feb 12th
We celebrate Valentine’s Day, because until 1969, it was one of the many Saint’s Days observed by the Catholic Church. It was dedicated to the patron saint of romantic causes, St. Valentine.
Although it was removed from the Church’s calendar in 1969, the religious meaning coupled with Valentine’s Day’s roots in Roman paganism have allowed it to continue as a holiday for everyone.
Early Christians saw Valentine’s Day as a way to honor St. Valentine, of whom there were actually three. The Catholic Church recognizes three saints by that name, all who were martyred on February 14.
The St. Valentine the day is named for was, most likely, a priest in the 3rd century who performed secret marriages when the Roman Emperor Claudius II thought single soldiers were more likely to enlist in the army. That St. Valentine was imprisoned and executed on February 4, 270. It is believed he was responsible for giving the jailer’s blind daughter back her eyesight, and before his execution, he sent her a note saying, “From your Valentine.” The phrase is still widely used on valentines today.
It wasn’t until 1537 that St. Valentine’s day was declared an official holiday. England’s King Henry VIII, known for his ways of disposing of wives, declared February 14th a holiday. It was another century and a half before religious devotional cards became non-religious cards to reflect the change in the holiday.
In 496 A.D., February 14, was declared in the name of St. Valentine by Pope Gelasius. It remained a Church holiday until 1969, when Pope Paul VI took it from the calender.
On February 14, the ancient Romans celebrated the Feast of Lupercalia in honor of Juno, the queen of the Roman gods and goddesses. Juno was also the goddess of womesn and marriage so honoring her was thought to be a fertility rite.
At the feast held the next day, the women would write love letters and stick them in a large urn. The men would pick a letter from the urn and for the next year, pursue the woman who wrote the chosen letter. This custom lasted until the 1700s when people decided their beloveds should be chosen by sight, not luck.
The History of Valentine’s Day
Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. Watch all videos
Love Yourself First
Feb 2nd
“Love yourself first and everything falls into line.”
Lucille Ball quotes (American radio and motion-picture actress and comedy star, 1911-1989)
When you make a decision to love yourself, you are really saying that you want to come alive. You accept that you are responsible for the outcomes that you experience in your life and would like yourself to shine from living a fulfilling life.
So if you’ve decided on loving yourself but are as equally stumped on how to love yourself, as I was back then, here are 17 ways which I believe can be helpful:
1. Fall in love with yourself. Think about what makes you You. Just like a flower that needs watering to grow, learn to nurture yourself in every way. Love yourself for all the good that you see and accept your flaws and the fact that you are imperfect. This does not meant that you do not learn to change from your shortcomings; instead, you are being gentle and kind to yourself for all your flaws. Look in the mirror and fall in love with the reflection that is You.
“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”
Oscar Wilde quotes (Irish Poet, Novelist, Dramatist and Critic, 1854-1900)
2. Eliminate Self Criticism. Do you often berate yourself over the tiniest thing? Is there a little voice inside your head that often tells you that you are no good because you are stupid or make mistakes. If you find that you criticise yourself often, make an effort to stop the self criticism.
“I CAN is 100 times more important than IQ.” — unknown
3. Be Kind And Positive. When you start to think kindly and positively about yourself, the love you have for yourself just grows. Make it a habit to praise yourself everyday, while in the front of the mirror. Because of such thoughts, you naturally undertake empowering actions that support your development.
4. Acknowledge Your Effort. It’s not always about winning or having success in everything that you do. Many times, it is the effort that counts! Acknowledge that you’ve done your best, even if you have failed to produce tangible results.
5. Let Go Of Worry. Loving yourself requires you to let go of your worry. It is a horrible way to live a life filled with constant worrying. I can attest to that! Worry does not help in any way. It cannot, on its own, make things happen. Only wise actions can! So instead of worrying, spend time thinking about what you can do to help in the situation. If the situation is beyond your control, then ask the Universe for your desired outcome and let things work out on their own. Things will come to be, if they are meant to be.
“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” — Epictetus quotes (Greek philosopher associated with the Stoics, AD 55-c.135)
6. Trust Yourself. Have confidence in your abilities. Know that you have the ability to make important changes for yourself, for as long as you put your heart to it. You can also support yourself by visualizing desired outcomes.
“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”
Benjamin Spock quotes (American Pediatrician and Author, 1903-1998)
7. Forgive Yourself. If you have made mistakes in the past that had caused you to feel less worthy, then you need to forgive yourself. All of us make mistakes; so there really is no need to beat yourself up over them. Or if you’ve been carrying around a baggage of emotional hurt because of a childhood trauma, learn to forgive yourself that it is not your fault.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Lewis B. Smedes quotes
8. Be Truthful To Yourself. Loving yourself requires you to be truthful about your own feelings. If you are happy, acknowledge the joy. If you are sad, acknowledge the sorrow. When you are truthful about your feelings, you do not try to lie to yourself or seek to bury your negative emotions. Instead, acknowledging what you feel provides a good guide to what your thoughts are. And as we all know, thoughts can be changed, so that healing and self growth can take place.
9. Grow Spiritually. When you spend time growing spiritually, loving yourself is an automatic thing. You become more peaceful, connected, kind, loving and compassionate. You nurture a mind that grows more beautiful by the day. How to not love yourself in the process?
10. Make Positive Affirmations Everyday. Post affirmations that can help raise your self esteem everyday. For instance, say this to yourself “I love and accept myself completely and unconditionally.” Read your affirmations out loud several times a day.
11. Express Gratitude. Express gratitude for the person that you are. For instance, cultivate an appreciation for your strengths and gifts. Also, feel a sense of gratitude that you are alive and well, and fully capable of making a difference in your life.
12. Nurture Your Dreams. Why deny yourself your dreams? When you nurture your dreams, you would love the life that you are leading. Every moment that you live is a joy because you are expressing yourself fully.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. —Mark Twain
13. Boost Your Self Confidence. Make a deliberate attempt to look for opportunities that can help improve your sense of Self. For instance, if you are particularly good at doing something, set aside more time to indulge and improve your skills on it. Knowing that you have particular gifts can boost your self esteem.
14. Relax. You need to give yourself space to take breaks every now and then. If you spend your time working, without paying attention to your health, it also means that you do not love yourself well enough to take care of your own body. Fill your time with silence, soothing music and visions of beauty; anything that nourishes your Soul.
15. Have Fun. Inject some fun into your life. Life is meant to be an enjoyable. Don’t take life or yourself too seriously. If you can think of life in this manner, you automatically relax and quit worrying over things that do not matter.
16. Look After Your Body. It is important that you strengthen yourself with proper nutrition and regular exercise. Your body is a temple and you should treat it with respect, love and care. It has been found that the lack of self love is often the root causes of conditions like eating disorders, obesity or even terminal diseases.
“Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.”
Jim Rohn quotes (American Speaker and Author. He is famous for motivational audio programs for Business and Life. )
17. Learn To See Beauty. When you learn to see beauty in every thing, you will also see beauty in yourself. Hence, stop to smell the flowers. Notice everything. Feel everything. The pink blush of the flowers in your garden, the greeness of the plains, the whisper of the gentle wind, or the myraid hues of an evening sky.
Here is a good affirmation to read and reflect on…..
“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Phychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)
How To Love Yourself
Jan 28th
(Try them. They really work!)
1. Stop all criticism: Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.
2. Don’t scare yourself: Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. It’s a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure (mine is yellow roses), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought.
3. Be gentle and kind and patient: Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be patient
with yourself as you learn the new ways of thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you
really loved.
4. Be kind to your mind: Self-hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Don’t hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change the thoughts.
5. Praise yourself: Criticism breaks the inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing.
6. Support yourself: Find ways to support yourself. Reach out to friends, and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it.
7. Be loving to your negatives: Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need. Now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs. So. lovingly release the old negative patterns.
8. Take care of your body: Learn about nutrition. What kind of fuel does your body need to have optimum energy and vitality? Learn about exercise. What kind of exercise can you enjoy? Cherish and revere the temple you live in.
9. Mirror work: Look into your own eyes often. Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself. Forgive yourself looking into the mirror. Talk to your parents looking into the mirror. Forgive them, too. At least once a day, say: “I love you, I really love you!”
10. LOVE YOURSELF – DO IT NOW! Don’t wait until you get well or lose the weight, or get the new job, or find the new relationship. Begin NOW – do the best you can.
“Why am I Waiting & What am I Waiting For”
Jan 22nd
Why am I waiting for the man I love?
Am I waiting to hear the sound of his say “I love you” again?
Am I waiting to hold him close again to smell his sweet aroma?
Am I waiting to kiss him again and feel his love flow through me?
Am I waiting to look into his eyes again to see the love in his soul?
Am I waiting for him to run back to my arms and feel his touch again?
Am I waiting for the day he pulls up saying we need to try it again?
Am I waiting for the chance to correct past mistakes and spend the time with him?
Am I waiting for that one phone call or text saying that I love and miss you, and want to start over?
Why am I waiting for the man that I hold close to my heart?
Am I waiting for the emptiness he left to return and complete me again?
Am I waiting with the belief that dreams never die?
Am I waiting thinking that his dreams aren’t dead but scared to believe in them?
Am I waiting for him to realize his dreams can still be a reality?
Am I thinking that waiting will give him dreams time to come back?
Am I waiting to see if his dreams were from the heart or just a fantasy?
Am I waiting for the realization that dreams formed from the heart with love don’t hold promises of an easy life?
Am I waiting for the understanding that true love is not so easily given up on if it comes unconditionally from the heart but fought for with great passion?
Was I waiting and looking for the right moment to ask for the next step in our relationship and make our dreams reality?
Why am I waiting for the man that is in my dreams?
Am I waiting wishing to see him sitting next to me in my car again even if I think I’ve seen him out with someone else, wishing that it was still me there?
Am I waiting for him to come to my door and tell me that we aren’t over but going to work through this no matter how difficult it may be?
Am I waiting hoping that every little thing that we let get in the way of us will be resolved?
Am I waiting for him with the illusion that I’m showing my dedication and love to him?
Am I waiting for the day that this pain in my heart and side from stress I put myself under from the lost love goes away?
Am I waiting for my heart to explode to release myself from all the pain I feel?
Why am I waiting for the man that I love when the feelings and dreams are no longer shared?
Why am I waiting for him when he has made it clear that working through these troublesome times doesn’t appeal to him?
Why am I waiting when I know he has given up on the things he said were from the heart and that he wanted in a life with me?
Why am I waiting for the man that I have regrettably broke his heart and killed his dreams that I now have and can’t get share with him?
Why am I waiting and what am I waiting for when it has been told and shown to me that there is no us anymore, and the love and dreams are only a memory in the wind?
Why am I waiting and what am I waiting for when there is nothing there in front of me, and how I feel isn’t shared but been brushed off?
Why am I waiting and what am I waiting for when it is clear that I am the only one hurting from this and trying to fight for something that no longer exists?
Why am I hoping that he is happy in his decision that he has made, and that he finds the woman that will give him all the happiness and love he deserves?
Because I love him with all my heart and soul, and he deserves all the greatness and happiness life has to offer him , my only regret is that I wasn’t the woman that could give him that.
I am saying goodbye to waiting for I will not be it’s fool anymore, and will no longer let it break me down and tear me apart mentally and physically.
I pray that one day I will share the dreams from my heart with someone, no matter how difficult times may get, knowing they will always be alive and growing for the love shared will be an unconditional love from the heart that will conquer any difficult time life brings, and not be blinded by the fantasy dreams of the heart that are easily given up on, pushed aside, lost, and forgotten for they leave nothing but false hope, emptiness, and sadness.
